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Wednesday, April 13, 2016

WEAVES, BLOND HAIR DYE, AND POST-APOCALYPTIC HAIR CARE


For the record?

The white woman's equivalent of a weave is blond hair dye.



That is, somebody please inform the hoteps and their minions that white women aren't wearing their natural hair either.

I realized this one day when I walked into white church late. I snuck in the back and found myself looking at the back dozens of heads, as planned. But I needed to find a white female friend of mine. The white men's hair varied. The white women's hair did not. The back of my friend's dyed blond head looked exactly the same as 100 other white women sitting in the crowd. I tried to figure out which one she was by hair length, but then this usher person started walking toward me to help me, so I had to run, duck, cover, and find a seat quick.

Needless to say, I didn't find my friend until after the service. I meant to ask her what shade they're all using. But I forgot (chickened out).

A friend of mine, also white, told me a long time ago that most white men are raised wanting a little blond girl friend. That's why there are so many white women with blond hair running around worried about their next hair appointment when all their hair really does is hang there. They have to get those dark roots covered up regularly.

If white women could get their legs shortened so that they could all be petite too, they'd be getting the leg shortening surgery for high school graduation and waiting to ask Mommy-And-Daddy bank for the nose or boob job somewhere near the end of sophomore year in college

So make no mistake. If someone announces The Electromagnetic Pulse will be set off by another country to wipe out all our computers and our economy along with it, and that the pending post-apocalyptic United States is going to make "The Walking Dead" look like child's play for at least a decade AND THEN ALSO ANNOUNCES IT IS ALL STARTING TOMORROW...

white women will make run on water, food, and blond hair dye 


AND
black women will make a run on water, food, spices, and hair extensions.

Don't get it twisted. Even our naturalistas will be running for synthetic hair. And you know why, too. Don't pretend you don't know.

Naturalistas will need synthetic hair for protective styles, braids, buns and such. There's no way we'll be able to get enough oils and conditioners to keep our hair sealed in a post-apocalyptic world, not even enough (gasp) mineral oil.

Of course, we could all go the Michonne route to hair care. But then we'd have to do the big chop once the United States got everything back online. We would not be able to free our hair from 10 years worth locking.

In the final analysis, this all means a sizable portion of the naturalista crowd will be running neck and neck with the relaxer/weave crowd to the same abandoned beauty stores. And if blond hair dye can be found in some of the same stores with black beauty products? Watch out!  White women's foot prints will be left on our backs after they run us down trying to get in there first.

I don't know about you? But I don't have Dania Gurira's face or Lupita N'yongo's face. More than that, my marble shaped head needs vertical lines given to it by hair. So no big chop for me. That means I going to be sprinting to the beauty supply store too.

When The Pulse happens, my high heeled shoes will be clicking on the pavement faster than anybody else's, running so fast that women running ahead of me will hear my clicks coming and think 

the ghost of Flo Jo gaining on them, about to snatch them bald or snatch their soul. I fully expect hysteria, screaming, tears, and a rainbow of hair extensions and boxed hair dyes flying 10 feet into the air as women start trying to snatch one another's ill gotten gains when they're all back out on the street again.

I think I'll plan on wearing a hockey mask to protect my face from long nails.

If Beyonce's Bey Hive is trying to get into the abandoned beauty supply store for their leader? We will all need to think about preserving our own lives and just let them take it all. The Bey Hivers are going to be there for the weave hair, the synthetic hair, and the blond boxed dye too(saving it for after the designer versions run out) The big chop in 10 years won't be that bad. So I'll be a marble head for year. No biggie. At least, I'll be alive.

Product junkies? They're going to have the last laugh. They'll be re-identified as "pre-planners." As pre-planners they'll be further re-identified as "responsible." As responsible people they'll be put in charge of nomadic groups sent out to get food and supplies. The responsible pre-planners that succeed at keeping large camps from starving will eventually be elected to high political positions once the world come back to being normal.
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In the hear and now this means I'm being responsible with my money if I buy yet another potentially magic hair conditioner. So what if I don't have any more room in my hair cabinet. This next purchase could lead to me being president one day 10 or so years from now, right?