Saturday, July 28, 2018

TRACEE ELLIS ROSS ON BEING A WOMAN OF THE YEAR AND EVERY YEAR IN THE FUTURE

Listen to it as you make breakfast, lunch, or dinner
or read it below
It's worth the trip


Watch this video on The Scene.


00:00
Hello, hello, hello.
00:01
I'm gonna start by saying I'm nervous.
00:05
I have been writing this speech in between trying
00:08
to live my life and do a job.
00:10
And I care what I say, so bear with me.
00:14
And here we go.

00:16
So it is really interesting to be a woman
00:20
and to get to 45 and to not be married yet
00:24
and to not have kids, especially when
00:26
you have just pushed out your fifth kid on television.
00:30
[audience laughing]
00:31
You start hearing crazy stuff like,
00:34
Oh, you know what, sweetie, you just haven't
00:36
found the right guy yet.
00:37
Or, What are you gonna do?
00:40
Or, Ugh, you poor thing.
00:44
Why is someone like you still single?
00:46
Have you ever thought of having kids?
00:48
Why don't you just have a kid on your own?
00:51
It's never ending, okay?
00:54
And it's not helpful.

00:55
I grew up planning a wedding.
00:57
My dress was gonna be corseted with multiple
01:00
Victorian camisoles spilling off my shoulders,
01:02
and I would change into a white double-breasted
01:05
suit with wide-leg trousers and a big
01:08
cuff for the reception.
01:09
And then I dreamed about being chosen
01:11
by a powerful and sexy and kind man
01:15
who had full lips and gave really good hugs
01:18
and having a little bit.
01:19
[audience laughing] Yeah, I was specific.

01:21
[laughs] And having a little baby boy by the name
01:24
of Lauren, but I also dreamed of winning
01:28
an Oscar, being on the cover of magazines
01:30
and making a difference in the world
01:32
and helping women find our voices.
01:34
[audience applauding]
01:37
And from that dreaming, you guys,
01:39
I've built a really incredible life.
01:41
And I have become a woman that I am very proud to be.
01:44
And then someone just walks up to you,
01:46
and they're like, You know, a friend of mine adopted at 52.
01:51
I mean, it is never too late for your
01:53
life to have meaning, sweetie.
01:56
[audience laughing]
01:57
And my worth just gets diminished as I'm
01:59
reminded that I have failed on the marriage
02:02
and the carriage counts.

02:03
Me, this bold, liberated, independent woman.
02:07
I mean, guys, I work out.
02:09
I eat well.
02:10
I mostly show up to work on time.
02:12
I'm a good friend, a solid daughter, a hard worker.
02:14
My credit's good.
02:15
I take out the garbage before it gets smelly.
02:17
I recycle, and I won a Golden Globe.
02:20
[audience cheering]
02:23
I mean, I'm killin' it, so why, why, why
02:26
do I get snagged this way?
02:28
As if all that I've done and everything
02:31
that who I am doesn't matter.

02:33
And I look back, and I think about all
02:34
the ways that we're told that those two
02:37
hashtag goals: being chosen and having kids
02:40
are what makes you worthy.
02:41
I mean, nursery rhymes, fairy tales,
02:43
books, movies, Sixteen Candles, every love song.
02:46
Yeah, Sixteen Candles, that was a good one.
02:49
And even Blackish are reiterating this narrow
02:53
story of husband plus child equals woman.
02:56
And, by the way, that doesn't discount
02:58
anyone who has a husband and a child.
03:00
This is just my version of the narrow way
03:02
that I am undermined.

03:04
So let me, so, oh, by the way,
03:07
it's not just fairy tales in books, the patriarchy.
03:10
Yeah. [audience laughing]
03:12
The patriarchy is not pleased with me right now.
03:15
I am failing at my function,
03:16
and, let me tell ya, Mike Pence, yeah.
03:18
Excuse my French, but he's fucking confused by me right now.
03:20
[audience laughing]
03:22
And, frankly, I often get a little bit confused.


03:26
Here's something that I've done way
03:28
more times than I care to admit,
03:29
trying to gather the courage to tell my ex,
03:33
whom I love, by the way, that I want to date other people,
03:36
even though we're no longer together.
03:39
And we're broken up.
03:40
Yeah.
03:41
And during the last bout of doing just that,
03:43
I did what enlightened ladies do,
03:45
and I got out my journal.
03:46
And I'm sitting there, and I'm free writing.
03:49
Maybe I'm having a conversation with my inner child.
03:53
And I write down these words:
03:56
My life is mine.

04:02
My life is mine.

04:06
Those words, like, stopped me in my tracks.
04:09
And, honestly, they brought tears to my eyes.
04:13
It seems so obvious, but, obviously, it wasn't,
04:16
because I have not been living my life
04:18
as if it was my own.
04:19
I mean, to a certain extent, yes, yes, I have.
04:22
But on a deep level, no.
04:24
So if my life is actually mine, then I have
04:27
to really live it for myself.
04:29
I have to put myself first and not be
04:31
looking for permission to do so.
04:33
But when I put myself first, what comes
04:35
back at me from very well-meaning people,
04:37
men, sometimes, social media, random ladies
04:41
at the gym, Mike Pence, whomever.
04:44
They tell me in all sorts of ways
04:46
that I am being selfish, pushy, aggressive,
04:50
controlling, relentless, stubborn,
04:53
a slut, a nag, oh, and my favorite, a ball breaker.
04:58
Because, God forbid, a few balls get broken.
05:00
[audience laughing]


05:02
So when we put ourselves first by doing things
05:05
like saying no, speaking up, sleeping
05:09
with who we want, eating what our bodies
05:12
intuitively tell us to eat, wearing training bras
05:15
instead of pushup bras, posting a picture
05:18
without using Facetune.
05:20
So bold.
05:21
[audience laughing]
05:24
We are condemned for thinking for ourselves.
05:27
That's funny.
05:28
[laughs]
05:29
'Cause it's like a crazy thought.
05:30
Like, who the heck would do that?
05:32
You gotta smooth.
05:33
Sorry.
05:36
Or I like to tap.
05:37
Tap, so it looks real, just tap it.
05:39
Sorry, okay. [laughs]

05:43
We are condemned for thinking for ourselves,
05:47
being ourselves, for owning our experiences,
05:51
our bodies and our lives.
05:53
By the way, I purposefully have one earring on.
05:55
This one was messing with the mike,
05:56
but I really didn't want to lose the look.
05:58
Okay?
05:59
All right.
06:02
That kind of boldness is seen as threatening
06:04
and scary, and it's certainly not what
06:06
the patriarchy had in mind.


06:08
So join me for a moment and imagine
06:11
what would it be like for women to
06:13
completely own our power, to have agency
06:18
over our own glory, our sexuality.
06:22
And not in order to create a product
06:25
or to sell it or to feel worthy of love
06:28
or to use it as a tool for safety
06:31
but, instead, as a way of being.
06:34
Imagine that,
truly owning our own power,
06:38
agency and sexuality, especially in this
06:42
moment, in all its volatility, with all that
06:46
is happening as the pussy grabbed tree
06:48
is being shaken and grabbers are dropping
06:51
like rotten fruit.

06:55
At the same time as all of that, all the volatility,
06:59
there's this surge of empowerment happening.
07:02
Black Lives Matter, Black Girl Magic,
07:04
the Women's March, Me Too.
07:06
I mean, me too.
07:08
You too?
07:11
I am trying to gather all this energy
07:13
around me and step into it and match that
07:15
with the realization that my life is mine.
07:18
My I am a chooser, 45-year-old life is mine.
07:22
And it's no coincidence that these two
07:24
forces are meeting at the same time.
07:25
And, here I am, sorting out what my life
07:27
looks like when it's fully mine,
07:29
and, honestly, it takes a certain kind of bravery.
07:32
It means risking being misunderstood.
07:35
Perceived as alone and broken,
07:37
having no one to focus on, fall into or hide behind
07:41
and having to be my own support
07:42
and having to stretch and find family
07:44
and love and connection outside of the traditional places.
07:49
But that's something that I want to do.
07:51
I want to be the brave me,
07:53
the one whose life is my own.
07:56
And that also means that I'm gonna have
07:58
to break an agreement that I didn't
07:59
really officially agree to sign in the first place.
08:01
A little document that was drawn up
08:03
by a bunch of old white guys in a back room.
08:05
The same group of white guys in that back
08:06
room that pass laws about our reproductive health
08:10
and choices without us being there.
08:12
And that agreement says that we are here
08:15
to be of service to others.
08:16
That our destiny, as women, is to live
08:18
in the shadow of men.
08:19
That we are simply objects of desire,
08:21
and that we are willing to have our voices
08:23
stifled again and again by the misogyny of our culture.

08:27
Well, listen here, ladies.
08:30
[audience laughing]
08:32
I'm tearin' it up.
08:33
[audience cheering]
08:36
It's goin' bye-bye, and I am drawing up a new one.

08:41
And my terms are this.
08:42
I am gonna own my experiences and my training bras.
08:48
I'm gonna pay attention to the reality
08:50
of my life and the audacity of my dreams
08:52
instead of the expectation of what I was raised with.

08:56
I'm gonna make space for the good and the bad
08:59
of it, even the yucky and scary and fear-inducing
09:02
parts and embrace all of the questions.
09:05
I know that's how I'm gonna go from being
09:07
Tracee to being the brave Tracee.
09:09
And here's the good news is that you too can do that.
09:12
You can go from being you to just being
09:14
the brave you, or not just, being the brave you.
09:17
And you should definitely try it, you guys.

09:21
Like, if you haven't already, 'cause I have
09:22
a feeling, I mean, I see some gorgeous sparkles out there.
09:25
Like, I see some amazing faces.
09:26
I have a feeling you guys have tried this,
09:28
because brave and brave you is beautiful.
09:31
And not beautiful like your hair is all did
09:33
and your brows are clean, because when I
09:35
think of beautiful, I think of a tree.
09:38
I think of seeing a bird soar.
09:42
I think of an embodied woman.
09:44
I think of my mom, standing there,
09:46
in the Diana Ross stance, right?
09:49
In her glory stance saying this is me,
09:53
heart open, hair big, sexual, powerful
09:58
and full of all of her agency.

10:02
Beings at the height of their own resonance,
10:04
their own selfness, fully in bloom,
10:08
that's what bravery and beauty looks like.
10:11
But, most of all, because the brave me
10:13
reminds me that I am complete just as I am,
10:16
not in relation to anything else,
10:17
just wholly and fully me, the brave you
10:21
gives you the courage to hold your own
10:23
agency, your own choice, your own desire,
10:28
your own longings, your own fear and your own future.

10:34
She's just one aspect of your soul
10:36
that helps you become the fully embodied
10:38
and completely integrated real, true self.
10:42
And I think she's in each of you right now,
10:45
in your journal, in the back of your mind,
10:49
somewhere in your heart, in your Netflix cue,
10:54
waiting for your invitation.
10:57
So I invite you all, if you haven't already,
11:00
to let her out.
11:01
To let her have her glory, this beautiful,
11:04
powerful part of you is just waiting for the invitation.

11:08
Thank you.
11:09
[audience applauding]
11:11
[upbeat music]

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